Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
