Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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