I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
tell me about the eggs
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
