So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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