I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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