im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
