ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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