my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
