Your tits are I can't wait for
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
