Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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