The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
