You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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