yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
