A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
