You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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