you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
