I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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