i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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