We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
