I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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