the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
