You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
