Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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