Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
