Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
