Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
