apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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