I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
