Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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