somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
