I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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