I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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