i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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