Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
