i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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