WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
