i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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