Apparently you make a good broom.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
