I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
