The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Drunk is not a location!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
