i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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