Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
