He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
