we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize