I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
