they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
