all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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