pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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