We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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