hell yes lets make some ravioli
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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