We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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