The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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