mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize