My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize