I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
