hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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