yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
