I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize