"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
