i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
