As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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