Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
