Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
