i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
