I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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